0.1.5.2


The Mystical Journey of Campbell's Vegetable Beef
Contributed by Compute

It all started on Friday night. Being bored out of my skull, I decided that on this night I would cause a little mischief. But what to do... I began browsing the internet and came across some random e/n site with the typical bullshit news links, videos, and pics, when I came across something interesting. A picture of some drunken fucktard projectile vomiting. Well, it wasn't all that interesting, but it gave me a wonderful idea.

To begin my fun, I had to mix up some fake vomit. My recipe, half a can of Campbell's Vegetable Beef Soup, three tablespoons of flour, half a cup of water, a table spoon of canola oil, and one eighth cup of vinegar. The vegetable beef soup is for a texture. Has a mix of meat and veggies for the appearance of a large meal. The flour adds a thickness to it, the canola oil adds a nice greasy look, the vinegar adds an authentic acidic smell, and finally, the water acts as a filler. The color achieved from adding all these together is actually very authentic, so I leave it alone.

After my concoction of vomit was complete, I poured it into an easily concealable container, in this case, my trusty hot chocolate thermos. I put the thermos into my jacket and I was on my way. To where? Why, the movie theatre of course! The movie I decided on was Hitch. Not because I wanted to see it, but more because the people who actually want to see it probably deserved what was about to happen to them.

I purchased my ticket and proceeded to the theatre. When I got there, I tried to find a spot with a large number of people, and then I saw it. The balcony. Too fucking perfect. I climbed the stairs and made my way to the balcony. As I sat, I noticed the group of 3 below the balcony was moving. 'God damn it!' I thought, but just then, a middle aged couple and 3 girls walked up the stairs and replaced them. What a nice exchange.

I waited about 20 minutes into the movie to make my move, right after a good 'group theatre' laugh. I stood up and unscrewed the cap to my thermos. A million images flashed before my eyes. The shock of the people below. The confusion. The horror they would experience as they came to the inevitable realization. All I could do was grin wildly. I started out by making low pitched groans, then some dry heave coughs, and finally, an exaggerated, extremely loud mock vomit noise. Something along the lines of "Hhhhuuuuuuuuueeeeeeggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" There was no turning back now. I emptied the contents of the thermos on the movie patrons below.

Immediately after, someone screamed, "OH MY GOD!" and I began laughing uncontrollably. I heard the middle aged man shout, "What the fuck!" also, but this was not the best part. About 30 seconds after the initial dumping of the fake vomit, quite unexpectedly, I began to hear gags. Three or four, all at once, I could hear people gagging. And then it happened. A SECOND SPLATTER! Someone else had vomited from thinking that they had just been vomited upon. Then it happened, again, and AGAIN. Two more splatters, for a total of three people vomiting. At this point I was laughing so hard my eyes were tearing, and I thought it would be best to get out of there. I ran back down the stairs to the back exit, and back around front to my car, and I was home free.






I know, I'm a horrible person.