0.1.5.2


Subversion tactics with a hint of sarcasm
Contributed by Compute

We live on a planet full of war, death, famine, terrorists, biological weapons, genocide, insurgents and disease...and it's not hard to forget all that boring stuff happening to people half-way around the world in countries we don't know or care about, especially when someone brings up the topic of our staggering gas prices! The dogs in Saudi Arabia should be groveling at our feet for the mere fact that we have decided not to decimate their pathetic country and just take all their oil for ourselves. However, as Americans, we have an obligation to pretend to be moral. That is why it is necessary for us to subvert the OPEC nations of the world indirectly; through our own gas stations!

With the price of gas getting higher and higher, it's no secret that the number of people willing to risk stealing gas is getting higher and higher too. I'm sure we've all seen the cameras practically surrounding the gas stations as of late, as well as the stickers on the pumps threatening to revoke your license for a year if you're caught stealing gas. Pay no attention to these. The government wants you to steal gas, but simply goes through the motions of 'suspending licenses' and 'court hearings' to save face in front of the gas companies. The only people you really hurt when you steal gas are the dirty OPEC nations of the world.... and some American middle-men and their respective stock holders, but who cares about that because we're American too and WTF is with these gas prices!!!

There are several ways to get away with stealing gas, but I will only detail the one that is most effective and least likely to get you caught. The first thing you need to do is to go out at night with a screw driver and find at least 2 cars with little activity surrounding them. Take the license plates off of the first car, and store them away somewhere so if anyone walks by, it is not completely apparent what you are doing. Next, unscrew the license plates from the second car and store them away somewhere. While putting the second set of license plates away, pick up the first set of plates and head back to the second car. Now you'll want to put the first set of plates on to the second car. Why do this? Simple. The first car no longer has any plates, and when they realize they do not have plates, they will probably call the police and/or the DMV the very same day. They will report THEIR plates as stolen, but their plates are on the second car. Most people rarely look at their plates, let alone have them memorized, so the person who the second car belongs to will probably just go about their day, with the reported stolen plates on their vehicle. Meanwhile, you put the second set of plates on your car, and make sure you leave your plates hidden at home, in case you are pulled over. After all, if someone else has had their plates switched, it's not that incriminating for you to claim that someone must have switched your plates too. Now, head to your gas station of choice, preferably during the day since many gas stations turn off the "pay inside" button on the pump after dark, and the ones that don't are extremely careful. Obviously, hit the "pay inside" button and begin to fill your tank. Look down the entire time as to not let the cameras get a good shot of you, and to make sure you do not make eye contact with anyone. Once your tank is full, casually get back into your car, and drive away.

There are several common mistakes that can lead to getting caught. The first is telling anyone that you do it. They might try it and get caught, and try to bring you down with them. Also, there's the whole "and he tells two people, who tell two people, who tell two people" chain that can lead to stories of your exploits being reported back to authority figures. The second mistake is leaving the plates on your car for more time than it takes to go to the gas station, fill up, and get back home. You must remove the plates immediately. The third mistake is going to the same place more than once a month. Our country is littered with gas stations. If you want free gas, you might have to drive 5 minutes to get to a unique gas station, you lazy fuck. Fourth mistake, using the same plates to fill up more than once. Using the same plates twice makes it far less likely that someone just switched your plates on you. Also, if you get pulled over on your way to the gas station with the old plates on, and the cop happens to look up the plates and notice that they have a record of being taken and THEN stealing gas, you are fucked. It would also be a good idea to dispose of the old plates after you have used them. Throw them in a dumpster or sewer that is semi-far away from your home. The fifth and final most common mistake is proceeding with the plan even if you see someone you know. If you see someone you know already there, then just go to another station. However, if someone you know pulls up and recognizes you while you're in action, you best bet is to just abort, suck it up, and go inside and pay for the gas. It doesn't matter if you happen to see your best friend, or someone who you took a class with your freshman year of high school. Do not take a chance of leaving someone there who can potentially identify you.

You are now adequately prepared to subvert gas stations, the economy, and the Saudi Arabian (as well as the other OPEC nations) people. Congratulations and good luck.